In a recent three-day Learning Lab on diversity partnership, I witnessed three white men ask four women what disrespect looks like. The women had mentioned they often felt disrespected by men, and the men wanted to know what that looked like.

One Asian woman engineer spoke about how men at work assumed she was the secretary. A Native American woman talked about her doctor assuming, because she was Native American, that she had diabetes. Another Asian women had her white male boss in a public meeting crumple up her proposal paper and throw it at her. When she responded “Don’t throw that at me,” she was later disciplined! The man was not disciplined.

What struck me during the workshop was that as the men were asking what felt disrespectful, they were exploring –and modeling, in the moment– what respect actually looked like. They listened without interruption, without debate –with heart, rather than head. I asked them to share how the women’s stories impacted them. They responded that each story left them feeling sad. By sharing how they were impacted they were demonstrating the leadership skill of integrating head and heart. They reflected back an affirmation to the women of how real the stories were.

Often, as men, our automatic response to friend or colleague, man or woman, to a story is to react with our experience to the topic. We might say, “Well, what happened to me was … ” Or “That just sounds like a jerk –how do you know his action was about race or gender?” While the intent may be to sympathize, the result is that often the woman sharing her story feels unheard, minimized. So even if unintentionally challenged, she is less likely to share like experiences in the future.

In diversity work we practice listening. Workplace partners are asked to listen to a colleague for three (uninterrupted!) minutes. This much harder than it seems. For many it is a stretch not to engage, redirect the conversation or take it over. The body language is telling. Men lean in, move in and out, bounce their knees. But they stick with it, and take back to work refined listening skills. In one organization, Catalyst’s researchers surveyed co-workers who reported that men, fresh from a Lab, listened approx. 33% more often than before their Lab.

Listening is not emphasized in our dominant white male business cultural norms, which emphasize doing, telling, and fixing. In his recent book, Humble Inquiry, author Edgar Schein suggests that we need to develop new skills to counter balance our lack of listening skills.

I heard an example of humble inquiry when a woman recounted a story of telling her male boss she had to quit because she had a new baby at home. She could not maintain her current position with the new family demands. The boss asked her one question, “What can we do to have you stay?” The conversation turned unexpectedly into considering the alternative of working part time, which she pursued. As she told this story she was in tears because she was so grateful for her male boss simply asking the question.

Listening, sharing how we are impacted, and humble inquiry are foundational tools for effective partnerships at work.